Does It Have to Be Work?

by James Collins, Oprah
Much has been learned about the difficulties that can arise between two people who are in love—and how to address them. We now know how to get our own needs met. We know how to establish boundaries. We know how to use "I" statements. We know that making a relationship a success involves a huge amount of effort. How many times have you heard a therapist, or a friend, or a friend who thinks he or she is a therapist say that a relationship is hard work? It is a constant refrain—"a relationship is hard work." I have heard this so many times that when anyone says the word relationship, I now see an image of sweating slaves in loincloths pulling huge stones up the side of a pyramid.

Doubtlessly, all these insights are very valuable. But I sometimes wonder whether, while we are toiling away at our long checklist of relationship tasks, we have forgotten to do something that arguably is as important: actually loving the person we love.

If only it were that easy, you might say. How can we actually love the person we love when we are burdened by resentment and fear and insecurity and anger and narcissism and hostility and self-loathing and bouts of total irrationality—as when, for example, we become furious with the person we love whenever she does something like call us at the office while we are staying late to meet a hugely important deadline to ask again how to work the new DVD player so she can watch Something's Gotta Give for the 10,000th time?

Well, it might help at least to keep the goal in sight. These days "relationships" seem all travel—canceled flights, lost luggage, rude clerks—and no actual arrival. The point, though, is to enjoy Paris, not to trudge endlessly between concourses at the Charlotte airport. Moreover, there are times when we do love without working so damn hard—when we love a child or a friend or an aunt or a dog or a painting or a tree or the stars—and we can draw on those experiences, I think, to love someone, or fall back in love, before both parties achieve perfect and mutual sanity. Our feelings for our beloved will always be deeper than our feelings for an aunt or a tree (although not necessarily for a dog), and they will always be more complicated, but by recalling what simple, pure, joyous love is actually like, it may be possible to reproduce it under more challenging circumstances.

Love was once associated with joy, fun, and happiness, and it would be nice if it were so again. 

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How to Be Your Love's Biggest Fan & Best Critic

 by Mike Robbins 

I saw  Michael Bernard Beckwith  perform a re-commitment ceremony for a married couple a few years back and it blew me away. He looked at the husband and said, "Your job is to be her biggest fan and her greatest critic for the purpose of her spiritual development." He then turned to the wife and said the same thing to her about him.

As simple of a concept as this was for me to understand, I'd never heard anyone say it quite like that before. As what he said registered with me, I was moved deeply and began to cry. I realized that so often I'd struggled with what felt like my conflicting desires to share my love and appreciation with my wife Michelle, and also to let her know when something didn't work for me or when I thought she was "off" in certain aspects of her life. I noticed that I was usually "hot or cold" about this. I was either completely focused on appreciating her or completely focused on being critical of her, or withholding my feedback to avoid hurting her feelings.

Hearing Michael say this, however, made me realize that both of these things—appreciation and feedback—are essential, not only for the health of a relationship, but also for the personal growth and development of each person.

These two important things, being a fan and a critic, are often seen as opposites when viewed from an adolescent perspective. But upon deeper reflection, it becomes clear that they're intricately connected and fundamentally important for the success of not only a marriage, but any important relationship for which we want a genuine sense of trust, connection and authenticity.

Our ability, or often inability, to express our genuine appreciation for someone else is directly related to how safe or comfortable we feel giving critical feedback to that same person. In other words, the more open we are to giving and receiving honest (and sometimes critical) feedback in a particular relationship, the more capacity we have to express and experience genuine appreciation with that person. And when we don't feel safe or comfortable giving someone honest feedback, or often just aren't willing, it actually diminishes our ability to acknowledge them in a real way. Ultimately, it diminishes our relationship with them in general. Our goal is to be a real fan and a conscious critic of the important people in our life.

What does it mean to be a real fan and a conscious critic?

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